A little bit of snow, a little bit of sadness, a little bit of...

Hello.

Nobody probably read my last post, but who cares. It's the third of January and a lot of things have changed. Ten days, just ten days...people's lives can change a lot in only ten hours, sometimes.

2012 arrived and I must admit that 2011 was not so bad. It actually was rather amazing.

First six months...puff. I studied too much, but it was worth all the while.

From September on...wow! Cooler than ever, I guess. Erasmus changed my life. I have been growing up since the beginning of my experience here in Lithuania and now nothing seems the same as before.

Nothing is the same as well. This post is dedicated to a person I loved. The same person who, now, is no more on this earth. I loved you and I still love you, S. (Just look at point 6, the most important one).

New year's resolution:

1. Study more than ever. I will try to get my degree by November. It will be so fucking hard I can't explain.

2.Being concrete. I need to come back to reality. Maybe. When I will come back to my hometown...I hope so.

3.Try to think less and act more. Actually, I'm more instinctive than ever at the moment. That's why I'd like to keep acting like this.

4.Visit at least 4 more European capital cities. I don't see the time to see more countries, I really need to do it. I hope to go somewhere as soon as possible.

5.Get more tattoos. My mom will be so happy! Tomorrow I'm gonna get my seventh one...I think I should stop for a little bit and then, perhaps, start again.

6.Remember. As I said before, nothing is the same. I cannot realize it, I cannot resign myself to this...but I should. Just read this to understand, it's really important. You should translate it, of course. I just want you to know.

7.Live my life as it should finish next December, as Maya predicted time ago. I don't really think we will die all on the 21st of December 2012...but who knows. Time is running out, or пора закруглятся!

I hope you had a nice Christmas and a wonderful New Year's eve...mine were more or less ok.

Actually Christmas was a little bit shitty 'cause the dorm was empty. Maybe it could have been better if I had stayed with my family, but it's ok. Then I went to Riga for almost three days and it was amazing!

New Year's eve was quite good. Not bad. At least there were some more people in Vilnius. But I felt quite bad anyway, I think that nobody could have helped me at all.

Now I'm really looking forward my future. My immediate one.

A.

p.s. I don't know if I really want to come back home or not.

anxiety

mmm, this is my first post in English. Actually, I decided to write it because I'd like somebody more to read it, that's all.

This won't be nice, this won't be happy and probably it will make me more and more depressed. Let's start from the beginning.

When you fill your application form to ask to be an Erasmus, nobody will tell you what will happen after. Nobody will tell you about the risks and the problems.

Above all, nobody will tell you what coming back home means and that, probably, it will seem the end of the world.

• Missing people.
• Many regrets. Less remorses.
• Things which fall apart.

First, the time doesn't seem to pass at all. After 4 months you usually wake up and you finally notice everything's gonna finish.

An Erasmus student loses his/her sense of control and s/he no more the person who was before to depart. Every single event is amplified and s/he does things s/he has never imagined to do.

When I applie for my Erasmus scholarship I didn't know anything at all.

One months and a half and then...puff. One week...and it will be worst.

That's why, this afternoon, I wanted to die.

All will definitely turn bad.

There are some things nobody cannot explain, and that's one of them.

I don't really want to write anything anymore.

I just wanna say thank you all, because these days will never come back.

I'm gonna go to my corner and [...]. I'm not that kind of person, but now I'm sad.

I love you, all. And I'm serious when I write I will never forget you, I will never let you go. In one way or another. This is for you!

A.